I have been absent from the blog world since last week because my world has been turned upside down. Last Friday, evil came for another visit and this time evil brought her boyfriend, the father of her newest baby. For those that don't know who evil is, evil is my step daughter, the mother of the children we are raising. They were allowed to stay in our home and even though I was against them staying in our home, I agreed, under the conditions that not only did the rules have to be followed but that if anything happened to upset the peace in our home, they would be asked to leave. This is my husband's daughter, and his home, way before I came into the picture, so ultimately it is up to him.
Last Saturday evening, her boyfriend, blew up at us. He ripped us apart over things that were lies that she has told him...he ripped us apart over things he knows nothing about. He even attacked my daughter because she had the audacity to ask him to talk quieter so that the kids wouldn't be woken up. Up until this point we thought he was a pretty decent person but his true colors came out. He is a big guy and he bullied my husband, my daughter and me. He went off and my husband did not handle the situation very well because he did nothing.
He did not make them leave. He did not defend me. He did not stand up for me, my daughter or even himself. It was like evil had a hold of my husbands mouth and mind. In my husbands defense, he is not a loud, aggressive, or controlling person. In fact, I have never heard him raise his voice. He is not a big guy, while this guy is not only big, but also controlling and aggressive. They are completely opposite in size and nature.
I was scared to death and left my home that night because I could no longer stay here in this situation. I stayed away until this morning, when they left. I left because I could not be here with them. I had to step out of this situation because not only was I afraid of this man but I was hurt by my husbands lack of protecting me and that they were allowed to stay here, in my home. I also couldn't stand to look at this person that has told such lies and who has brought so much pain to my life...and to the lives of our little people. It felt like pure evil in this home. It broke my heart to leave the little ones but I knew that if I didn't leave, I would break. Please don't judge me for leaving.
Evil was allowed to stay here, in what was suppose to be my home. Evil was allowed to bully it's way into my home and take it over. Many things that I thought I was sure of in my life have been ripped away. I am back in a home that no longer feels like mine. I know this is my husband's daughter and that he has a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make. I know that he is sorry and regrets doing nothing. I know that I love him yet I still feel wounded and not sure where this leaves me. Now we have to figure out where we go from here. I can't fight this fight alone. He needs to take a stand. If he cannot, then we need to consider handing these little ones back to their mother. I have poured my heart and soul into them...given up everything to do this and yet, when it comes down to it, the outcome is not up to me. Right now, this feels like it would kill me to give them up, but once again it is not just up to me.
It really sucks to end this year like this. My home feels evil. It feels like evil has won. I am trying to make sense of things that are hard to make sense of. I am trying to catch my breath and get my feet planted firmly in the truth...whatever that is. I am scared...hurt and angry. Somehow, I am not the same person I was before all this happened. Here I sit in the after math of evils visit and it may take some time for me to find my place.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas to each one of you and your families. May you have a blessed and joyful Christmas that is full of love and laughter. May your time with your loved ones be a time of relaxation and fun. Each one of you have touched my life in some way this year and made my life more rich...it has been a gift to me...and I thank you...for making me smile and laugh...for broadening my world with your views and opinions...for making me think outside the box...for taking the time to stop by my place here and leaving comments that brighten my days.
I have much to be thankful this Christmas...most of all I am thankful for the birth of Jesus and for the rebel that He was...that He loves the rebel in me.
I have so many blessings, that are too many to count. Highest on my list of blessings is my husband, who continues to rock my world.
Next is my five children, whom are fully and completely gifts to me and have forever imprinted my life with each of their individual greatness and made me the mom I grew up to be today. As much as my step daughter has brought challenges to my life, I continue to be thankful for her.
Next is my five grandchildren, who have brought such joy to my life with their sweetness, from the very beginning. I was blessed to be present for 3 of their births and I cried tears of joy, for each one. Now that we are raising 2 of them, my life is that much more blessed and full of more love then I ever could imagine.
Three of my children and and my oldest granddaughter, live too far to be here with us today. They are each here with us in our hearts and are sadly missed. My Christmas does not feel complete without them here...it feels like something is missing. It is hard to believe that I can feel so joyful and yet have my heart ache, all at the same time.
To my youngest child...This is my first Christmas without you and although it is hard, knowing that you are happy right where you are at, makes me happy too. I know that you are doing a lot of Christmas celebrating and that makes my heart very glad. I know that you are happy to be back there, away from the cold and snow.
To my middle child and her significant other...I should be used to not having you here but I don't think mothers ever grow used to having their children gone...at least I don't. Knowing that you both are doing what you want to do with your lives and that you're happy means the world to me. I picture you two snow boarding and snow shoeing up in the mountains and it makes me smile. I know you have to work through these holidays but I know the lives you touch with your job and that you do it well...and that makes me so proud of you both.
To my eldest daughter, new "son" and granddaughter...I am picturing you having your first Christmas together as husband and wife...and as a new family and this fills my heart with such gladness and happiness. I should be used to not spending Christmas with you but I'm not. I know you are where you are suppose to be and that you have made a wonderful life for yourselves...this means the world to me.
May your Christmas be the best it can be...full of peace, joy and love. Please know you are here in our hearts and that each of us miss you. I am sending each one of you many hugs and kisses from all of us. I love each of you to the moon and back.
XXXXOOOO
Merry Christmas everyone!
I have much to be thankful this Christmas...most of all I am thankful for the birth of Jesus and for the rebel that He was...that He loves the rebel in me.
I have so many blessings, that are too many to count. Highest on my list of blessings is my husband, who continues to rock my world.
Next is my five children, whom are fully and completely gifts to me and have forever imprinted my life with each of their individual greatness and made me the mom I grew up to be today. As much as my step daughter has brought challenges to my life, I continue to be thankful for her.
Next is my five grandchildren, who have brought such joy to my life with their sweetness, from the very beginning. I was blessed to be present for 3 of their births and I cried tears of joy, for each one. Now that we are raising 2 of them, my life is that much more blessed and full of more love then I ever could imagine.
Three of my children and and my oldest granddaughter, live too far to be here with us today. They are each here with us in our hearts and are sadly missed. My Christmas does not feel complete without them here...it feels like something is missing. It is hard to believe that I can feel so joyful and yet have my heart ache, all at the same time.
To my youngest child...This is my first Christmas without you and although it is hard, knowing that you are happy right where you are at, makes me happy too. I know that you are doing a lot of Christmas celebrating and that makes my heart very glad. I know that you are happy to be back there, away from the cold and snow.
To my middle child and her significant other...I should be used to not having you here but I don't think mothers ever grow used to having their children gone...at least I don't. Knowing that you both are doing what you want to do with your lives and that you're happy means the world to me. I picture you two snow boarding and snow shoeing up in the mountains and it makes me smile. I know you have to work through these holidays but I know the lives you touch with your job and that you do it well...and that makes me so proud of you both.
To my eldest daughter, new "son" and granddaughter...I am picturing you having your first Christmas together as husband and wife...and as a new family and this fills my heart with such gladness and happiness. I should be used to not spending Christmas with you but I'm not. I know you are where you are suppose to be and that you have made a wonderful life for yourselves...this means the world to me.
May your Christmas be the best it can be...full of peace, joy and love. Please know you are here in our hearts and that each of us miss you. I am sending each one of you many hugs and kisses from all of us. I love each of you to the moon and back.
XXXXOOOO
Merry Christmas everyone!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Things I've been reminded of
Things I have been reminded of this past week...
...That there is nothing like having your first candy cane!
...watching Diego saves Christmas for the umteenth time is only boring for me, NOT the little people!
...Never, EVER leave these 2 little people in a room with wrapped presents. Never underestimate what a 1 1/2 year old and 2 1/2 year old can do it together in less then 2 minutes. Always have a shovel for each child because no matter what else there is to do, they will ALL want the same thing, at the same time. And no matter how much the snow is blowing in our faces or how cold it is, I will always have to force my little ones into the house...and most of the time, there will be tears in doing so.
...it's still fun to play in the snow with your children, even after they have grown up. (My eldest son made it possible for my daughter to come home after all! Not sure if she's too happy about coming home since she's been sick with the stomach flu for the last couple of days.)
...standing in a long line to see a Christmas display of Santa's elves, at a big department store, is not a fun idea for little people, no matter how cute it is.
...that my 3 little helpers here will move every ornament within their reach, as often as they can...and that a Christmas tree is truly beautiful when there are at least 3 ornaments hanging from one branch.
...that my little man loves playing the drums(I have my own little drummer boy!) and so does his sister and cousin...makes for lots of drumming and fighting about who's turn it is.
...that little girls love to dress up and do NOT like taking off dress up clothes EVER...thanks to my son, Tinkerbell, now lives at my house.
...that I am really out of shape...pulling 3 kids in a sled is A LOT of work. I really need to get back to working out SOON!
...that big kids like to play in the snow just as much as the little kids.
...he might get lots of joy out of teasing me and calling me his "little mom"...he might think it's funny to be the instigator of trouble with the little people around here...he might think it's funny to throw snow at his mom...he might be bigger then me and all grown up BUT one thing is fore sure, I am still the Mom!
Between work, my son's visit, the stomach flu, chasing after 3 little ones(or should I say, being chased by 3 little ones?)our wonderful Minnesota weather(it's either been really cold...-21 when I went to work yesterday morning or snowing, like it is today, making school late or cancelled) and my lack of motivation to shop, I have most of my family Christmas shopping to do today and tomorrow. But, first I have to bundle up 3 little people so they can "help" me shovel the snow that is continuing to fall. I think there is some hot chocolate with some peppermint schnapps in my near future!
...That there is nothing like having your first candy cane!
...watching Diego saves Christmas for the umteenth time is only boring for me, NOT the little people!
...Never, EVER leave these 2 little people in a room with wrapped presents. Never underestimate what a 1 1/2 year old and 2 1/2 year old can do it together in less then 2 minutes. Always have a shovel for each child because no matter what else there is to do, they will ALL want the same thing, at the same time. And no matter how much the snow is blowing in our faces or how cold it is, I will always have to force my little ones into the house...and most of the time, there will be tears in doing so.
...it's still fun to play in the snow with your children, even after they have grown up. (My eldest son made it possible for my daughter to come home after all! Not sure if she's too happy about coming home since she's been sick with the stomach flu for the last couple of days.)
...standing in a long line to see a Christmas display of Santa's elves, at a big department store, is not a fun idea for little people, no matter how cute it is.
...that my 3 little helpers here will move every ornament within their reach, as often as they can...and that a Christmas tree is truly beautiful when there are at least 3 ornaments hanging from one branch.
...that my little man loves playing the drums(I have my own little drummer boy!) and so does his sister and cousin...makes for lots of drumming and fighting about who's turn it is.
...that little girls love to dress up and do NOT like taking off dress up clothes EVER...thanks to my son, Tinkerbell, now lives at my house.
...that I am really out of shape...pulling 3 kids in a sled is A LOT of work. I really need to get back to working out SOON!
...that big kids like to play in the snow just as much as the little kids.
...he might get lots of joy out of teasing me and calling me his "little mom"...he might think it's funny to be the instigator of trouble with the little people around here...he might think it's funny to throw snow at his mom...he might be bigger then me and all grown up BUT one thing is fore sure, I am still the Mom!
Between work, my son's visit, the stomach flu, chasing after 3 little ones(or should I say, being chased by 3 little ones?)our wonderful Minnesota weather(it's either been really cold...-21 when I went to work yesterday morning or snowing, like it is today, making school late or cancelled) and my lack of motivation to shop, I have most of my family Christmas shopping to do today and tomorrow. But, first I have to bundle up 3 little people so they can "help" me shovel the snow that is continuing to fall. I think there is some hot chocolate with some peppermint schnapps in my near future!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Last moments
A last moment with my son...
He's gone once again. He's flown back to the new life that he's been making for himself. He is doing well and most of all, he's happy. What more could a mother ask for? He is following his dreams...making his own path in life...to fly on his own...after all, this is what I taught him to do. My home feels empty once again and my mother heart is breaking. I miss him already. Every moment, that I shared with him is now etched in my heart and my mind keeps going back to those moments of just seeing his face...seeing him smile...feeling his presence here in my home. These precious moments, whether it be with him or another one of my loved ones, are what gives my life meaning and purpose...these moments are like the glue that connects each one of them together, inside my heart. They are my heart.
He's gone and it will take me a little time to recover from his leaving, just as it is when any of my children leave. He may be gone, but he is never gone from heart.
Very soon I will post more pictures of our crazy, busy, and fun week.
He's gone once again. He's flown back to the new life that he's been making for himself. He is doing well and most of all, he's happy. What more could a mother ask for? He is following his dreams...making his own path in life...to fly on his own...after all, this is what I taught him to do. My home feels empty once again and my mother heart is breaking. I miss him already. Every moment, that I shared with him is now etched in my heart and my mind keeps going back to those moments of just seeing his face...seeing him smile...feeling his presence here in my home. These precious moments, whether it be with him or another one of my loved ones, are what gives my life meaning and purpose...these moments are like the glue that connects each one of them together, inside my heart. They are my heart.
He's gone and it will take me a little time to recover from his leaving, just as it is when any of my children leave. He may be gone, but he is never gone from heart.
Very soon I will post more pictures of our crazy, busy, and fun week.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Coming home
My daughter called me on Monday to inform me that her and her son were no longer able to come home as planned. To say that I was sad, is an understatement. She called me back to ask if I would like to have my grandson until Christmas. Of course I said yes but didn't allow myself to get too excited until it was a fore sure thing. He is coming! And I am completely excited! His other grandma is meeting me half ways with him, TOMORROW(Tuesday)!
A little history for those that don't know...this is my daughter and grandson that lived with us, shortly after he was born until this summer(about 15 months)when they moved to another state to live. He and my two little people are so close...he is their partner in crime and they are elated that he is coming.
These are the most recent picture I have of my little honey, that my daughter sent me recently. He is one of the sweetest little boys and has such a personality.
I can hardly wait to hug this little guy and kiss this little face!
A little history for those that don't know...this is my daughter and grandson that lived with us, shortly after he was born until this summer(about 15 months)when they moved to another state to live. He and my two little people are so close...he is their partner in crime and they are elated that he is coming.
These are the most recent picture I have of my little honey, that my daughter sent me recently. He is one of the sweetest little boys and has such a personality.
I can hardly wait to hug this little guy and kiss this little face!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Things I love
Recently, Steppin Thu, posted a meme in which she was given the letter L and named 10 things that she loves that started with the letter L. At the time, I was too busy to play along, even though I wanted to because I love playing games. Now, Midlife Slices has joined in the fun and posted 10 things she loves that start with the letter R and she put the challenge out to those wanting to play and since I was able to play this time, she gave me the letter D.
So here it goes…10 things I love, that start with the letter D.
1. Darling…as in my husband.
2. Daughters…this is a given.
3. Dare devils…as in my son’s…both have injuries to show for it. Just about every gray hair I have ever had, has come from them.
4. Dancing…I love to dance any chance I can. In fact, I dance around my house with my little people just about every day. I dance at school with all my babies and they love it. The first time I went out with my husband, we danced all night…that was one of the sign’s that he was a keeper.
5. Differences…I love that we are all different. I love to hear other opinion’s than my own. I celebrate the differences of people and how much I learn from them.
6. Dark Chocolate…as in Dove Dark Chocolates. I am not a big candy or sweet eater but every now and then I love a piece of dark chocolate with a glass of red wine…heavenly.
7. Dandelion wine…My mom made this when I was growing up.
8. Drying clothes and sheets outside on the clothesline…I love the smell…plus it saves money.
9. Daydreaming…it’s my escape.
10. Dependable people…there are certain people in my life, that I know I can depend on. I always know that I can count on them to love me and support me, no matter what. And they know they can expect the same from me. It is very important to me, to be a dependable person to others.
Now, I am adding a twist to this game and naming 10 things I don’t like, that start with the letter D.
1. Drunks…I do not like being around people who become obnoxious, mean, belligerent or bitchy when they have too much to drink.
2. Drug addiction…I hate what it did to me although I appreciate what it taught me. I hate what it has done to some of my loved ones. And I hate what it does to those that suffer because of a loved ones addiction. I hate that it took the lives of people that I loved
3. Dirty diapers…yuck!
4. Driving on icy roads and blizzard conditions with people that don’t slow down. We did this for almost 3 hours today and now I’m happy to be home with my boys, little people and husband.
5. Diets…of course, who likes um?
6. Diamonds…have never liked them.
7. Decaffeinated Coffee…I need all the caffeine that I can get.
8. Depression
9. Dining out at Buffet’s or Smorgasbords…unless it’s a really good salad bar with the really good kinds of lettuces and fresh vegetables.
10. Dentist or Doctor bills.
I know many of you are busy or have already played this game but if you are interested in playing along, post me a comment and I will be happy to give you a letter!
So here it goes…10 things I love, that start with the letter D.
1. Darling…as in my husband.
2. Daughters…this is a given.
3. Dare devils…as in my son’s…both have injuries to show for it. Just about every gray hair I have ever had, has come from them.
4. Dancing…I love to dance any chance I can. In fact, I dance around my house with my little people just about every day. I dance at school with all my babies and they love it. The first time I went out with my husband, we danced all night…that was one of the sign’s that he was a keeper.
5. Differences…I love that we are all different. I love to hear other opinion’s than my own. I celebrate the differences of people and how much I learn from them.
6. Dark Chocolate…as in Dove Dark Chocolates. I am not a big candy or sweet eater but every now and then I love a piece of dark chocolate with a glass of red wine…heavenly.
7. Dandelion wine…My mom made this when I was growing up.
8. Drying clothes and sheets outside on the clothesline…I love the smell…plus it saves money.
9. Daydreaming…it’s my escape.
10. Dependable people…there are certain people in my life, that I know I can depend on. I always know that I can count on them to love me and support me, no matter what. And they know they can expect the same from me. It is very important to me, to be a dependable person to others.
Now, I am adding a twist to this game and naming 10 things I don’t like, that start with the letter D.
1. Drunks…I do not like being around people who become obnoxious, mean, belligerent or bitchy when they have too much to drink.
2. Drug addiction…I hate what it did to me although I appreciate what it taught me. I hate what it has done to some of my loved ones. And I hate what it does to those that suffer because of a loved ones addiction. I hate that it took the lives of people that I loved
3. Dirty diapers…yuck!
4. Driving on icy roads and blizzard conditions with people that don’t slow down. We did this for almost 3 hours today and now I’m happy to be home with my boys, little people and husband.
5. Diets…of course, who likes um?
6. Diamonds…have never liked them.
7. Decaffeinated Coffee…I need all the caffeine that I can get.
8. Depression
9. Dining out at Buffet’s or Smorgasbords…unless it’s a really good salad bar with the really good kinds of lettuces and fresh vegetables.
10. Dentist or Doctor bills.
I know many of you are busy or have already played this game but if you are interested in playing along, post me a comment and I will be happy to give you a letter!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Trying to be happy about Christmas
It's getting close to Christmas and I am not even close to being ready. Haven't done much shopping for anyone as of yet but that's pretty typical of me, since I usually put any kind of shopping off for as long as possible. We bought our tree and will decorate it on Sunday with my sons and little people. We have been talking about Christmas with the little people...reading Christmas stories...working on our Christmas giving projects that I have talked about here and I have even been playing Christmas music(I am not much for Christmas music, please don't hate me for this!)...all these things to get happy about Christmas.
Yet, I am not feeling it. I apologize to all of you that are in the Christmas spirit and love all parts of it...I really don't want to be a downer. And honestly, if you were to see me in person, you would never guess that I am one of those people, not feeling the good cheer of Christmas. I am a real good pretender, not all but most of the time. I just choose to let it out here and try not to in my real life.
The holiday's are suppose to be a time of merriment and good cheer but sadly, for many it is not. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is a sad, depressing and difficult time for some people. In the last two weeks, I have been surrounded by people that feel this way and I am trying to do everything possible to not be affected by them. But, I am human and how could anyone with a heart not be affected by these things?
Last weekend a 34 year old man from our community was killed in a freak car accident. He left behind a wife and 2 young children and a very loving extended family and many friends. He was a volunteer fireman, a bus driver and a great person. Yesterday a huge crowd gathered to say goodbye to this man that had touched many lives. I know other's that have lost loved one's this past year also and I see and feel their grief as they try to figure out how to live without their loved ones, let alone celebrate.
At most schools, the students are happy that it's Friday but not at my school. They dread the time that they have to be at home. Many of our students live in less then ideal home situations...many live in war zones of fighting between parents and total chaos. This is not a merry time for them. Many do not have Christmas trees because the parents don't want them and see no need for them, since there will be no presents anyways. It's hard for these young people to not act out in defiance and anger because they see the choices their parents make to drink, smoke, gamble and do drugs, yet, they cannot afford to provide adequate food and clothing for their children, let alone a Christmas present. These kids see very little to be happy about.
For some of our students, the best meals they will eat in a week, are those given to them at school. For some, the clothes they have, are ones, we as a school provide for them. These kids come to us, hungry most of all, for love, acceptance and to feel important. When I hug some of these girls, and they smell and are so thin, I just want to hang onto them and bring them home with me. When they tell me that they love me, I know that for them this is a big deal because they trust very few people in this world.
I have been mentoring a 15 year old girl, that also gets to help me in my room. Up until a year ago this young girl was in and out of lock ups, hospitals, and group homes. She has completely turned her life around and because of her, her mother has been now getting her life together. She has never known her father, just his name. Today, she was helping me tape up some boxes of old files and we got to the last box and all of a sudden she says, "That's my fathers file." I looked up at her and her face was white as a ghost. There, laying on the top of the pile, was a file with her fathers name. We got the school counselor and she was able to give her a little information but other than that, she knows very little about this man. This young girl has been through more heart ache in 15 years then most people go through in a life time. I give her a ride every day after school and she makes comments about coming home with me. This week, she asked me, if something were to happen to her mother, if she and her little sister could live with me. People, how can my heart not be broken by things like this?
Today, one of my young moms and her little boy, that have been out sick from whooping cough, finally came back to school. She is so thin and worn out from being sick, working and parenting and still trying to do school work at home. I talked to her about getting a Christmas tree and her face turned to such sadness that it broke my heart...she told me that they aren't celebrating Christmas because there is no money for presents or anything like that...that it's easier to pretend it isn't Christmas. She said that she was thinking that maybe she wouldn't come to school anymore until after Christmas because it would just be easier that way. I asked her to please come to school and that we would figure out a way to get through this. I then I reminded her that someone was giving her son some presents and that I was planning to do something special with her and the other mom's next week. When this girl hugs me, it's the kind of hug that says she doesn't want to let go, that she is barely hanging on...but all I can do is hug her and let her go.
These incidents I share with you are just tips of the iceberg. While I am completely blessed in these moments...these opportunities...yet I feel completely lacking in being able to do enough...to love enough...to say what needs to be said...to really listen, and hear what they are saying to me...to have more to give them...these lost starving souls. Yet, they keep coming to me over and over again and if you could hear the kind things that they say to me, that just blow me away at times, you would understand what this does to me. I am praying constantly. I cry out to God and ask why.
Every day I see how blessed I am with so much. Yet, I see how little others have. It is hard for me to be of good cheer when I see so many that are poor in spirit. It seems so unfair for me to have so much, when there are others that have so little. These are the things that break my heart and cause me to cry daily. If you are someone that prays, please pray for these people I have mentioned here.
To end on a brighter note, my baby boy(he's 19)flys in tomorrow. I can hardly wait to hug him and see his smiling face. We are suppose to get hit with a good old fashioned snow storm this weekend so hopefully lots of playtime outside for all of us! I love blizzards...love being snowed in, so I hope my wish comes true! Please forgive me for being a downer and a scrooge...I really am trying not to be!
Yet, I am not feeling it. I apologize to all of you that are in the Christmas spirit and love all parts of it...I really don't want to be a downer. And honestly, if you were to see me in person, you would never guess that I am one of those people, not feeling the good cheer of Christmas. I am a real good pretender, not all but most of the time. I just choose to let it out here and try not to in my real life.
The holiday's are suppose to be a time of merriment and good cheer but sadly, for many it is not. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is a sad, depressing and difficult time for some people. In the last two weeks, I have been surrounded by people that feel this way and I am trying to do everything possible to not be affected by them. But, I am human and how could anyone with a heart not be affected by these things?
Last weekend a 34 year old man from our community was killed in a freak car accident. He left behind a wife and 2 young children and a very loving extended family and many friends. He was a volunteer fireman, a bus driver and a great person. Yesterday a huge crowd gathered to say goodbye to this man that had touched many lives. I know other's that have lost loved one's this past year also and I see and feel their grief as they try to figure out how to live without their loved ones, let alone celebrate.
At most schools, the students are happy that it's Friday but not at my school. They dread the time that they have to be at home. Many of our students live in less then ideal home situations...many live in war zones of fighting between parents and total chaos. This is not a merry time for them. Many do not have Christmas trees because the parents don't want them and see no need for them, since there will be no presents anyways. It's hard for these young people to not act out in defiance and anger because they see the choices their parents make to drink, smoke, gamble and do drugs, yet, they cannot afford to provide adequate food and clothing for their children, let alone a Christmas present. These kids see very little to be happy about.
For some of our students, the best meals they will eat in a week, are those given to them at school. For some, the clothes they have, are ones, we as a school provide for them. These kids come to us, hungry most of all, for love, acceptance and to feel important. When I hug some of these girls, and they smell and are so thin, I just want to hang onto them and bring them home with me. When they tell me that they love me, I know that for them this is a big deal because they trust very few people in this world.
I have been mentoring a 15 year old girl, that also gets to help me in my room. Up until a year ago this young girl was in and out of lock ups, hospitals, and group homes. She has completely turned her life around and because of her, her mother has been now getting her life together. She has never known her father, just his name. Today, she was helping me tape up some boxes of old files and we got to the last box and all of a sudden she says, "That's my fathers file." I looked up at her and her face was white as a ghost. There, laying on the top of the pile, was a file with her fathers name. We got the school counselor and she was able to give her a little information but other than that, she knows very little about this man. This young girl has been through more heart ache in 15 years then most people go through in a life time. I give her a ride every day after school and she makes comments about coming home with me. This week, she asked me, if something were to happen to her mother, if she and her little sister could live with me. People, how can my heart not be broken by things like this?
Today, one of my young moms and her little boy, that have been out sick from whooping cough, finally came back to school. She is so thin and worn out from being sick, working and parenting and still trying to do school work at home. I talked to her about getting a Christmas tree and her face turned to such sadness that it broke my heart...she told me that they aren't celebrating Christmas because there is no money for presents or anything like that...that it's easier to pretend it isn't Christmas. She said that she was thinking that maybe she wouldn't come to school anymore until after Christmas because it would just be easier that way. I asked her to please come to school and that we would figure out a way to get through this. I then I reminded her that someone was giving her son some presents and that I was planning to do something special with her and the other mom's next week. When this girl hugs me, it's the kind of hug that says she doesn't want to let go, that she is barely hanging on...but all I can do is hug her and let her go.
These incidents I share with you are just tips of the iceberg. While I am completely blessed in these moments...these opportunities...yet I feel completely lacking in being able to do enough...to love enough...to say what needs to be said...to really listen, and hear what they are saying to me...to have more to give them...these lost starving souls. Yet, they keep coming to me over and over again and if you could hear the kind things that they say to me, that just blow me away at times, you would understand what this does to me. I am praying constantly. I cry out to God and ask why.
Every day I see how blessed I am with so much. Yet, I see how little others have. It is hard for me to be of good cheer when I see so many that are poor in spirit. It seems so unfair for me to have so much, when there are others that have so little. These are the things that break my heart and cause me to cry daily. If you are someone that prays, please pray for these people I have mentioned here.
To end on a brighter note, my baby boy(he's 19)flys in tomorrow. I can hardly wait to hug him and see his smiling face. We are suppose to get hit with a good old fashioned snow storm this weekend so hopefully lots of playtime outside for all of us! I love blizzards...love being snowed in, so I hope my wish comes true! Please forgive me for being a downer and a scrooge...I really am trying not to be!
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