Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I "Should"
There are so many things I "should" be doing right now instead of this...reading blogs and writing in my own blog but right now at this moment I don't care.
I "should" be cleaning my house...after having my daughter and her boyfriend here for the last week, along with a lot of company that came to stay and see them, my house needs to be put back together.
I "should" be working harder on the piles of laundry before it gets out of hand.
I "should" be compiling a list for the grocery store so I can actually make some meals, which leads to I "should" be going grocery shopping in the near future...which only leads to I "should" cook a decent meal...which leads to I "should" eat something and that something "should" be at least half ways healthy.
I "should" be doing some sort of activity, (like taking them outside on such a beautiful day) with the 3 little people that are running free through out the house, making quite the mess with their toys in every room...while chasing each other, screaming and laughing and probably wondering why I am not seeming to care. Which only leads to I "should" be helping them pick up all these damn toys before it gets out of hand.
I "should" be thinking of a project to do with the kids I take care of at work later today. I "should" be excited to go to work since I have missed work for the last week but I'm not.
I "should" be planning to get some exercise while the 3 little people nap because I know I not only need it but it would probably help me to feel better.
I "should" be on the phone making calls to the lawyers for our custody case and for my injury case to see what is going on and to keep things moving forward.
I think about all these things I "should" be doing..."should" be caring about but I just don't care. I "should" be figuring out how to get "me" back and doing what I need to do to feel better. All I want to do is hide under a blanket, with my loud fan blowing so I don't hear all the noise in this house and just sleep...and forget about all the things I "should" be doing. I want peace and quiet and everything to just STOP. I really "should" do something about this.
I "should" be cleaning my house...after having my daughter and her boyfriend here for the last week, along with a lot of company that came to stay and see them, my house needs to be put back together.
I "should" be working harder on the piles of laundry before it gets out of hand.
I "should" be compiling a list for the grocery store so I can actually make some meals, which leads to I "should" be going grocery shopping in the near future...which only leads to I "should" cook a decent meal...which leads to I "should" eat something and that something "should" be at least half ways healthy.
I "should" be doing some sort of activity, (like taking them outside on such a beautiful day) with the 3 little people that are running free through out the house, making quite the mess with their toys in every room...while chasing each other, screaming and laughing and probably wondering why I am not seeming to care. Which only leads to I "should" be helping them pick up all these damn toys before it gets out of hand.
I "should" be thinking of a project to do with the kids I take care of at work later today. I "should" be excited to go to work since I have missed work for the last week but I'm not.
I "should" be planning to get some exercise while the 3 little people nap because I know I not only need it but it would probably help me to feel better.
I "should" be on the phone making calls to the lawyers for our custody case and for my injury case to see what is going on and to keep things moving forward.
I think about all these things I "should" be doing..."should" be caring about but I just don't care. I "should" be figuring out how to get "me" back and doing what I need to do to feel better. All I want to do is hide under a blanket, with my loud fan blowing so I don't hear all the noise in this house and just sleep...and forget about all the things I "should" be doing. I want peace and quiet and everything to just STOP. I really "should" do something about this.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Last Moments
This is one of my last moments with my daughter before she left this afternoon. Each moment I have with her is precious and believe me when I say I just wanted to hang onto her. I miss her with all my heart already.
The other picture is of my daughter and her boyfriend just before they left. My home feels empty without them here. My little people are already looking for them around the house and asking where they are. I hate this...I will get over this but for now it feels like hell.
In a few short days we will be going through this all over again as we take the little guy(youngest grandson)to live with his mom(my youngest daughter)in another state. She moved a few weeks ago to start her new job and get settled and let him stay here with us, which allowed my daughter that was here for a visit to spend a week with him. The time has come to let him go...he and my daughter moved in with us when he was just a couple of weeks old...he is now 16 months old and we have grown pretty attached to the little guy. They need to have their own home...their own lives...and this is something that needs to happen, although I wish it wasn't so far away. These last moments with him will go fast...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Falling Apart
Having my daughter and her boyfriend here has been wonderful to say the least. She is beyond amazing in so many ways and her boyfriend is equally so. Being her mother is such an honor just as it is with my other children. They treat me so amazingly that it touches my soul in profound ways. They know me better than anyone else does...while I can pretend and put on the air of everything being just fine for the world, they have a way of seeing through me...of seeing the truth.
I have said here that I am struggling and am nearing burnout. This is an understatement. In reality, I am falling apart...I am losing it and as hard as I have been trying to be strong and keep it together, I am not keeping it together. I am beyond exhausted and don't know how to stop it. I thought I had been doing a good job of hiding my pain until this past Friday. I finally got the chance last Friday to take my daughter out for lunch and have some one on one time with her. This is when she confronted me about her concerns and the fact of how worried she is about me. She is my insightful daughter that is wise beyond her years. This hurts. Not the fact that she confronted me but the fact that she has to worry about me when I have been trying so damn hard to have this be a fun time for her to be home, not one in which she is burdened with worry about me.
Come to find out, pretty much everyone is worried about me. How did I not know this?They see everything I am dealing with and how it is affecting me. They see how much I have to give out every day and wonder how I can keep on giving out. I wonder this to. They see and it's not like they don't want to help me, they just don't know what to do to help. They see that I have become more and more isolated and shut off from the world...that I don't talk about these things and they wish I did. I hate that people are seeing because I hate being a burden to anyone...least of all my children. I have been living each day, with the will to be strong, to just get through this, with the thought everything is going to be fine eventually.
Somewhere along this journey I have lost myself and I don't know how to get "me" back. My life has been drained out of me and I don't know how to get it back. I am so tired at this point that I am starting to not care. I am so exhausted that I can't hardly sleep and when I do, the nightmares come. I have so much to live for...so much to be happy about that I am angry at myself for not being stronger, not doing better at keeping it together.
My pain levels are high and out of control again so I see everything through the lens of pain, and this is not pretty. I am still waiting on work comp for approval for a pain program to help me with this. I fight this pain and I fight what it does to me. Knowing that it will always be with me is depressing and sometimes scares me. Scares me because of what it does to me and those around me.
I am fighting with all that is in me to just get through today...just thinking about tomorrow makes me more tired but I have to because somehow I have to get off this downward spiral that I am on...I have to figure out how to make this roller coaster come to a stop...it's hard because so many of these things are out of my control...they just are...and somehow I have just got to accept them for what they are.
Tomorrow my daughter and her boyfriend will be leaving and that will be hard. Having to let go of someone that you just want to hang on to because it's the best and right thing to do is so damn hard. This time with her went so fast and every moment was precious. In the past year that we have been apart, she has continued to grow into such a fine, beautiful woman. I have never seen her look so good nor look so happy. This makes me incredibly happy. I will do the right thing and let her go happily back to the place she has made for herself in this world.
I keep telling myself that this is just a season in my life...that I will find myself again...that some day I won't be this tired anymore. But, for now my dear Internet friends, this is where I'm at. As much as I love writing and know how it helps me, some days I am too tired to write anything. As much as I love reading what you have to say, some days I am too tired to read or comment, so if you don't hear from me please know that it's not because I don't want to visit your place...it's just that I can't...my life has been drained out of me and I am trying with all that is in me to get it back.
I have said here that I am struggling and am nearing burnout. This is an understatement. In reality, I am falling apart...I am losing it and as hard as I have been trying to be strong and keep it together, I am not keeping it together. I am beyond exhausted and don't know how to stop it. I thought I had been doing a good job of hiding my pain until this past Friday. I finally got the chance last Friday to take my daughter out for lunch and have some one on one time with her. This is when she confronted me about her concerns and the fact of how worried she is about me. She is my insightful daughter that is wise beyond her years. This hurts. Not the fact that she confronted me but the fact that she has to worry about me when I have been trying so damn hard to have this be a fun time for her to be home, not one in which she is burdened with worry about me.
Come to find out, pretty much everyone is worried about me. How did I not know this?They see everything I am dealing with and how it is affecting me. They see how much I have to give out every day and wonder how I can keep on giving out. I wonder this to. They see and it's not like they don't want to help me, they just don't know what to do to help. They see that I have become more and more isolated and shut off from the world...that I don't talk about these things and they wish I did. I hate that people are seeing because I hate being a burden to anyone...least of all my children. I have been living each day, with the will to be strong, to just get through this, with the thought everything is going to be fine eventually.
Somewhere along this journey I have lost myself and I don't know how to get "me" back. My life has been drained out of me and I don't know how to get it back. I am so tired at this point that I am starting to not care. I am so exhausted that I can't hardly sleep and when I do, the nightmares come. I have so much to live for...so much to be happy about that I am angry at myself for not being stronger, not doing better at keeping it together.
My pain levels are high and out of control again so I see everything through the lens of pain, and this is not pretty. I am still waiting on work comp for approval for a pain program to help me with this. I fight this pain and I fight what it does to me. Knowing that it will always be with me is depressing and sometimes scares me. Scares me because of what it does to me and those around me.
I am fighting with all that is in me to just get through today...just thinking about tomorrow makes me more tired but I have to because somehow I have to get off this downward spiral that I am on...I have to figure out how to make this roller coaster come to a stop...it's hard because so many of these things are out of my control...they just are...and somehow I have just got to accept them for what they are.
Tomorrow my daughter and her boyfriend will be leaving and that will be hard. Having to let go of someone that you just want to hang on to because it's the best and right thing to do is so damn hard. This time with her went so fast and every moment was precious. In the past year that we have been apart, she has continued to grow into such a fine, beautiful woman. I have never seen her look so good nor look so happy. This makes me incredibly happy. I will do the right thing and let her go happily back to the place she has made for herself in this world.
I keep telling myself that this is just a season in my life...that I will find myself again...that some day I won't be this tired anymore. But, for now my dear Internet friends, this is where I'm at. As much as I love writing and know how it helps me, some days I am too tired to write anything. As much as I love reading what you have to say, some days I am too tired to read or comment, so if you don't hear from me please know that it's not because I don't want to visit your place...it's just that I can't...my life has been drained out of me and I am trying with all that is in me to get it back.
Friday, July 25, 2008
I HATE shopping
I have never been a shopper and it has only gotten worse as I have gotten older. I hate shopping. I go grocery shopping and shopping for essentials like shampoo and laundry soap when I have to but I put it off for as long as possible in hopes that my husband will go instead.
The only shopping I don't mind doing are going to second hand stores and to garage sales. I buy most of mine and the kids clothes this way. I do this for financial reasons but also because I love the challenge of finding great clothes for little money. Rarely do I buy myself new clothes, shoes or jewelery. Keep in mind that my husband has no problem with me buying new stuff for myself, in fact I think he would like it if I did...but I don't because that would mean walking into a mall...it would mean shopping.
For the most part, the clothes I have, work for me. I am a jeans and t-shirt or tank top kind of gal. My life does not require me to dress up although I actually don't mind it. I just don't have occasions to dress up for. Unless someone is getting married or has died, the clothes I have are fine. We have a wedding this weekend...I have known about it for months...I knew I needed to go shopping for something to wear and put it off and put it off...until yesterday...my daughter drug me to the mall. Oh the dread. Oh the pain of going...shopping and trying on clothes.
I can honestly say that I hate shopping even worse after yesterday. It was horrible. It took me many hours before I found something half ways decent to wear. Now, my daughters love shopping...their good at it. I am not. It doesn't help that I struggle with body image issues and have been worse since going through menopause. I know that I am not the easiest person to shop with. To be perfectly honest I know that I tend to be picky about what I am willing to wear. But, even my daughter that loves shopping had a hard time with the clothes out there.
There are A LOT of ugly clothes out there...there was not a lot to pick from and let me tell you, we went to A LOT of stores. The thing is the dresses were either short and slutty or for an elderly grandma. Although I am a grandma and yes I am getting older, I refuse to wear anything of the sort. I didn't get a dress. After many hours of this torture, I was ready to come home with nothing. My daughter would not hear of that, so I settled for a pair of slacks and a somewhat cute top. My poor daughter was exhausted from trying to dress her mom.
It is going to take me days to recover from this shopping experience. I would rather milk cows, pick rocks, clean my entire house, then do that day over again. I kid you not. My daughter now thinks I need therapy but that's a whole 'nother topic for another day!
The only shopping I don't mind doing are going to second hand stores and to garage sales. I buy most of mine and the kids clothes this way. I do this for financial reasons but also because I love the challenge of finding great clothes for little money. Rarely do I buy myself new clothes, shoes or jewelery. Keep in mind that my husband has no problem with me buying new stuff for myself, in fact I think he would like it if I did...but I don't because that would mean walking into a mall...it would mean shopping.
For the most part, the clothes I have, work for me. I am a jeans and t-shirt or tank top kind of gal. My life does not require me to dress up although I actually don't mind it. I just don't have occasions to dress up for. Unless someone is getting married or has died, the clothes I have are fine. We have a wedding this weekend...I have known about it for months...I knew I needed to go shopping for something to wear and put it off and put it off...until yesterday...my daughter drug me to the mall. Oh the dread. Oh the pain of going...shopping and trying on clothes.
I can honestly say that I hate shopping even worse after yesterday. It was horrible. It took me many hours before I found something half ways decent to wear. Now, my daughters love shopping...their good at it. I am not. It doesn't help that I struggle with body image issues and have been worse since going through menopause. I know that I am not the easiest person to shop with. To be perfectly honest I know that I tend to be picky about what I am willing to wear. But, even my daughter that loves shopping had a hard time with the clothes out there.
There are A LOT of ugly clothes out there...there was not a lot to pick from and let me tell you, we went to A LOT of stores. The thing is the dresses were either short and slutty or for an elderly grandma. Although I am a grandma and yes I am getting older, I refuse to wear anything of the sort. I didn't get a dress. After many hours of this torture, I was ready to come home with nothing. My daughter would not hear of that, so I settled for a pair of slacks and a somewhat cute top. My poor daughter was exhausted from trying to dress her mom.
It is going to take me days to recover from this shopping experience. I would rather milk cows, pick rocks, clean my entire house, then do that day over again. I kid you not. My daughter now thinks I need therapy but that's a whole 'nother topic for another day!
Monday, July 21, 2008
An interruption of the BEST kind!
Right now, at this very moment, my middle child, whom also is my middle daughter, along with her boyfriend, and their dog Ida, are on their long drive home to me! It is about a 20 hour drive with quick stops and if everything goes well they should be here at around 9 tonight! They have not been home since May of last year. They will be home until next Tuesday! I can hardly wait to hug her and see her smiling face...and her boyfriend too of course!
She is an amazing young woman and she found herself an equally amazing young man. She is my miracle child...born 8 weeks early and not breathing...they did not think she would live...ultrasounds told my doctors that she was a boy so that is what I had been planning for...what a surprise we got, when out came a girl!
She had liver and lung problems...had to be on a apnea and heart monitor for her first year of life...she had a hard time gaining weight...she didn't talk much until she was close to 4 years old...then we couldn't get her to be quiet of course. There were times that the doctors didn't give me much hope of having a normal, healthy daughter. My girl was and still is a fighter. My daughter defied all the odds against her...you have to remember 25 years ago they didn't have the technology that they do now. Even though school was hard for her in some aspects she worked hard and played sports through out high school and then went to college and graduated from the University of Minnesota. Now she works at a behavioral health center for adolescence.
She is a beautiful young woman with an equally beautiful heart. She is kind, passionate,giving and wants to do so many things to make this world a better place. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like the last 25 years without her...she has made me a better person and taught me so many things about life and love and being true to myself. She is what I like to call authentic. I wish that you could meet her because I know you would see what I see. Her boyfriend is equally amazing and you would like him too...and honestly, if I could pick someone for her, it would be him, but today this is just about my girl.
The beauty of our relationship is that I am not just her mom, she is not just my child, we are friends. Even if we were not related I would still like/love her and want to be her friend. Having her so far away is hard...I am in a constant state of missing her. Getting to finally touch her, hug her, kiss her, look at her, have fun with her, laugh with her, talk with her face to face is everything to me. I want every moment I have with her to be imprinted in my mind so that I have it to hang on to when she leaves again. I wish for time to slow down this week...wish it could actually stop...I want to just take it all in. I know there will be changes in her...good things, beautiful things...I know that her beauty will have matured and no matter how many pictures I have seen of her this last year, they will not have done her justice. She will be here soon...I can hardly wait! Can you tell?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
And the winner is!
Michelle from
honored me with this award! Thank you Michelle! She is so honest, keeps it real and is very funny. You really should go check her out. This award was started by Crystal at Memoirs of a Mommy in honor of her son Noah, who because of an organ transplant is alive today. She has an amazing story and I would recommend visiting her blog.
The rules of this award are: When you receive this award, you share the love award with as many other blogs that you would like...also include a link back to me
and a link to the origin of this love award. The rest is up to you.
Now it's my turn to pass on this lovely award. This really is hard for me because there are a lot of great blogs that I visit.
The first person I give this award to is Cheryl of Grandma's Grumbles
She doesn't get to post often because she is always working. She is an amazing hard working woman that would give the shirt off her back, has a great big heart and is a wonderful mom and grandma! She was my first blogging friend.
I would also like to pass this award to Beth of Blind as a Bat
She is such a wonderful person with a great big heart and lots of love for everyone.
She has a gorgeous family and is very funny!
I would also like to pass this award to Haley-O of Cheaty Monkey
She writes a great blog and I love her honesty and realness. She is very creative and has interesting things on her blog...like a section on cooking in the kitchen. She is learning about healthy eating and living and shares what she is learning.
The next person I give this award to his Sugar of Living in Theory
She writes a great blog that is honest and heart warming. She has overcome some tough obstacles in her life and shares openly about them. She is a woman of courage and grace that I think many people will benefit from.
Last but not least I give this award to the Worlds Greatest Mommy
She is an amazing mother of 5 little ones! She writes an honest and humorous blog about her daily life with 5 little children.
I would highly recommend visiting their blogs and giving them a hello. Once again, thank you to Michelle from Mommy Confessions for making my day...no, seriously, it is an honor. Since I am new to this blogging community, I still have a lot to learn but I am having lots of fun learning! I hope that I did this right...it took me all morning to figure out how to do the links...my fingers and toes are all crossed that this comes out like it's suppose to!
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