A Special Delivery…

First of all, thank you for all the support and wisdom you shared with me this past week. Your words were very much appreciated and not taken lightly.

Enough of the seriousness for awhile…a special delivery came to my house and I must share it with you!

This sweet adorable young lady just arrived from Florida!!!! I get to have her here with me for a month! Of course I have to share her with the other side of the family but nonetheless after a whole year of not seeing her, she is here!

 

Her parents can’t come, which makes me sad but she could!

She is eleven years old and my eldest grandchild. How did I get old enough to have a grandchild this old already?

She has been a source of joy and love from the beginning of her existence.

I am so happy to have this time with her.

The little’s adore her. She is such a big help with them.

The little’s have been on vacation at their aunt and uncles this past week(the lucky ducks)but I know that when they see her tomorrow they will scream with delight.

The little’s have been away doing things like…

…fishing, canoeing and playing in the ice cold water even though the weather hasn’t been very warm…

Yes, she caught this fish! I hear she put on her own worms and even touched the fish! I’ve told you, she isn’t scared of much of anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are 2 of my favorites…

 

 We didn’t have daycare this past week, so my sister and brother in law were brave enough to take them on. They are the ones that live where I call a little piece of heaven.

The little’s are so loved and lucky!

Even though I have missed them, I know they have been in good hands. I have welcomed this break to sleep past 6 and not having to leave sad children behind to go to work.

I have enjoyed the few moments of peace and quiet.

We have seen them almost every evening through the wonderful world of Skype, to hear about their day and give them kisses goodnight. If you have loved ones that live at a distance, this is so worth having and did I tell you it’s free?

While they have been away, I got a chance to enjoy being a grandma to these 2 without them having to share me with the little’s. That rarely happens.

 

Have I told you how much I love being their grandma?

And next week…my “baby”, who turned 21 recently, will be flying home for a month. He recently finished his 2 year college program and will be starting a police academy this fall. So he’s taking a break from the hot Florida sun and coming home.

I love the sound of that!

I can hardly wait to hug this guy.

My other kids cannot come home which makes me sad but I am focusing on the one’s that are here and enjoying every second I have with them.

I am blessed. I know this but sometimes I forget.

Are you blessed? How? I would love to hear about your blessings.

Hope you are having a good weekend!

To all you father’s and those that stand in as father’s to the children in your life, Happy Fathers Day.

Until next time, love and hugs, Lori

In The Meantime

Finding my voice has been difficult after so many months of being too tired. I learned a very long time ago, how to stifle my voice. And it’s a habit I fall in, too easily, as my survival.  Doing so, keeps the peace around me but inside, not so much.

Keeping it all hidden inside has caused me to grow stagnant and empty.   And sad and not at peace.

So it’s time to pull my voice out and stop being a chicken shit.Sharing it here, where I can hide behind the computer screen, in the privacy of my home, I can share without any one of  you seeing the shame that colors my  face.  It feel much safer.

I was so damn scared as I wrote my last post. Scared that as I let out, what has been hidden within, that it will all come out sounding really crazy or stupid. But, mostly because I fear facing the truth. 

The shame I feel almost kept me from writing it. The sick feeling the shame brings me and wanting to get rid of it, is what drove me to vomit it out on the pages of this blog

This fear and shame have got to go. How did I end up back at this place?

Thank you for your words to my last post. In answer to your questions…Yes, I have pursued him and after being rejected numerous times I have backed off.

Yes, I have talked to him about these things. I have told him how it makes me feel.

The last time, was almost 2 weeks ago. I was getting ready to go help a friend with her son’s graduation party and asked him if I looked okay. And yes, if I’m to be completely honest, I was looking for him to say I looked good…to compliment me.

His answer was that I looked pregnant. I was taken back. I didn’t expect what followed my simple question. I was hurt. He then told me that if I didn’t want to know the truth, that I shouldn’t ask him how I look…that he wasn’t one of these husbands that tells their wives they look good or beautiful when they are not…that if I wanted him to lie, he could do that.

I left home shortly after with little lady in tow.  I cried. I tried not to because of little lady being in the car but I couldn’t help it. Half ways to our destination I pulled over and called my husband. I told him how I felt. I told him everything. I know he felt badly for me. Yet, his words to comfort me were, “ I know that being fat is hard on you but I believe that eventually you will be able to lose the weight.”

We have not discussed this issue since then because all that ends up happening is that I end up feeling worse and he frustrated.

I get the feeling that he thinks by believing in me, he is supporting me. I also think that he thinks if he is accepting of me at my present weight that I won’t do anything to change it.

In asking him if he is still attracted to me, he does not answer me. What does that tell me?

The thing is, I do understand him being turned off to my weight gain and no longer being attracted to me. What I have difficulty understanding is being defined by my weight gain and not by my total package…all the things that make up me…and having him change in his behavior towards me. It went from all to nothing just like that.

Yes, I am hurt by all of this but I still think he is a good guy. Until this, we have not had any issues between us.

I know the stress of me being ill this past year and raising grandchildren and dealing with his daughter, could put strains on us. I get that. What I never imagined is that out of all the things that could come between us, that it would come down to my weight.

Was it wrong of me to assume that since I have given up my life to raise his daughters children as my own and in doing so have sacrificed time with my own children, that when I went through a time of my own need, such as a medical condition that caused me to gain weight, that I would not be left standing alone? A part from the love of my life?

To all of you that want to hit him on the head, believe me, I do too. But, really would that do any good, other then make me feel better? :) 

Many of you suggested talking to him. I don’t know what more I could say to him. I really don’t think he wants to hurt my feelings any more than he has so he will be more guarded with his honesty with me now. I don’t want him to lie to me but do I really want to hear that I look pregnant?

Maybe I really don’t want to keep talking about this because I am afraid of what the truth would reveal?

That he is superficial? That he loves me conditionally?

Before this, he called me a great wife. The only thing that has changed is that I am 40 pounds heavier. Was the thing that made me a good wife the fact that I looked good next to him? And it really had nothing to do with all that I did to support, love and encourage him? Not to mention being his best friend?

Since that last conversation I have been guarded with him. I don’t feel safe around him so I am not my open carefree self that I once was with him. I know he see’s a difference in me since our last talk.

I guess I’ve kind of left the ball in his court. He knows how I feel. He knows that I am hurting and struggling. If he wants things to be back to the way they used to be, he will have to pursue me.

I cannot make him change.  

Yes, I will keep praying for this to be resolved. I will keep working on myself, for me, not him. When I am given the go ahead from the doctors, I will work to lose the weight. I will lose this weight for my health and well being not because I will once again meet his approval and have his affections once again.

In the meantime, I cannot handle anymore rejection. I cannot keep pretending that the changes in his behavior towards me don’t affect me. I cannot keep walking around ashamed of my size in his presence. I cannot keep hiding myself from him so that he doesn’t become even more disgusted of me.

In the meantime, I stop surviving and start living again.

In the meantime, I use my voice and speak up for myself.

In the meantime, I stop hiding in the corner. 

In the meantime, I will find a way to not let his behavior darken my life and steal away my joy.

In the meantime, I will face my shame and fears.

In the meantime, I will find a way to love me, right here, right now.

In the meantime, I am good enough.

Until next time, love and hugs, Lori

Where Are You Self Confidence?

I have something I need to get outside of myself. I haven’t talked about these things to anyone because I am so ashamed. And because I don’t want people upset with my husband. But, I know I can’t keep trying to figure out all of this by myself.

I mentioned in my first post back that I am struggling with the weight gain of this past year. Gaining 40 lbs and doubling in the size of clothes  I wear, in less than a year, has taken a toll on me.

I don’t feel like me. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel comfortable period. I look at myself in the mirror and it feels like I am looking at someone else.

Who is this person looking back at me?

As the weight piled on my body, my self confidence slowly went out the window. The bigger I have become, the more I have hated myself.

I know this reveals how vain I really am. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking about my size and weight right now. But, I cannot lie. This extra fat and weight bothers the hell out of me.

It bothers the hell out of my husband too. I think he has an even harder time with my weight gain then I do. The bottom line is, he is not attracted to this new me…the heavier me. Once the weight started coming on he stopped complimenting me…he stopped looking at me that way he used to…he stopped touching me…he stopped acting like he was nuts about me.

Before this, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me and now he rarely touches me. Before this, he made it very clear of how attracted he was to me…now, he say’s nothing. Before this, he was affectionate towards me and now he’s not.

I know he still loves me but everything in his behavior has changed. At first I thought it was because of me being sick and so exhausted. But, then I started paying more attention and ever so slowly I have become very aware. He does not treat me the same and even he has acknowledged that.

He knows that I have worked hard to not gain weight…he has watched me eat healthy and work out so he knows this weight gain didn’t come from me being careless with eating and laying around.  He knows that this happened because of a medical condition. Still, it doesn’t change his reaction to me.

When I have been discouraged about all of this, I have gone to him for reassurance, but there hasn’t been any.  He has made statements about my extra weight that have hurt my feelings. I know he is just being honest and it is what I want but there are times I wish  he could just reassure me. I have told him this and still he doesn’t really get it.

I know that men are visual. I know that he was attracted to the person he met and fell in love with…the person I was until 9 months ago.  This isn’t fair to him. And I know it isn’t fair to me either.

Even though he still loves me and doesn’t treat me badly, his lack of affection and attraction towards me, hurts me to my core. I miss how he used to feel towards me. I miss my old body that he loved. I miss hearing his compliments. I miss the us that existed when I was thin.

I fear what this is doing to our relationship. I am trying not to resent him.  I am trying to understand where he is coming from. I am trying to pretend this doesn’t hurt as much as it does.

Not being able to try to lose this weight with exercising and cutting calories right now, makes me feel powerless. Feeling tired and like I have the flu constantly, along with the pain I already live with, makes me feel helpless over being able to change all of this. It already feels like I am in a fight for my life…for my health already. Is it now a fight to save my marriage?

I wish that I had the self confidence and esteem to not take his reactions personally. I wish that I could just not care what he thinks about me.  I wish that I wasn’t so nuts about him so that this wouldn’t hurt like it does.

But I do.I can’t lie. I want to crawl under a rock right now and hide until I feel better…until I have lost this weight and feel good again…so that the love of my life can be crazy about me again.

I am ashamed to go anywhere. In fact, most of the time I don’t go anywhere besides work. For months I  hid myself in sweats and big t-shirts. Now that warm weather has come I wear shorts but my face burns in shame as more of my body is revealed.

I am ashamed and scared and I don’t know what to do. I hope that I can lose this weight once the doctors give me the go ahead to start trying. But, what if I don’t? What if I try and I try, but I don’t?  What if I have to have surgery and it’s that much longer?

I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life with getting no affection or with someone that is not attracted to me. I don’t think I can. I don’t just want a room mate that I get along great with. I want a lover that is as crazy about me as I am for him. And is it selfish for me to want this from him, no matter what size I am?

Is this post about being fat and trying to lose weight or is it really about trying not to lose the love of my life?

Self Confidence, where are you?

 

Life with my little’s

My little’s are growing up way too fast as kids seems to do. It seems as though they have went from there to here in a blink of an eye.

Why does it never cease to amaze me that I am still doing this great task put before me, of raising 2 children I did not give birth to?

Many things have changed since I used to write regularly. During my absence, I stopped taking pictures and stopped recording this journey of ours. Thankfully, my daughter took pictures for me so I can share some with you. God willing I will be able to keep recording our journey.

They still act pretty wild & silly and keep us on our toes.

How could I

resist these

smiles?

And of course my grandson A man adds to the excitement and the love and of course the noise!

The 3 of them can fight like cats & dogs but they sure do love each other.

 

 There are days that the noise level from the 3 of these little people drives us crazy but I wouldn’t want to be without them for one second.

What is it with this mother heart of mine? It seems to keep on growing and shows no limits on it’s ability to love. My heart still aches for my children that are now grown and have flown so far from home yet it swells with pride in seeing them live their lives.

I found the wonderful world of Skype which allows me to see their beautiful faces and hear their voices and all for FREE! Such smiles and happiness it brings the little’s to see the people they love so much.

In spite of health issue’s, life does go on and these two have continued to brighten my days even when I felt like giving up.

Little lady has finally grown hair…lots of blond curls! She is the toughest little girlie girl that loves dresses and everything girl but gets dirtier then most little boys. She is my stinker.  She is strong willed and temperamental. She hides from us and scares the hell out of us when we can’t find her…and she thinks this is funny.

She talks back more then any of my other children ever did.Her response to getting ALL of her toys taken away(When I say taken away, I mean they are completely packed away!), is “I don’t care, I can still play with sticks, rocks, dirt and water.” UGH!!!!

She repeatedly turns the water on outside and chases the boys and neighbors kids with the hose and of course manages to get the clothes drying on the line outside wet while doing so.

She exasperates me. She keeps me on my toes and anyone else that watches her.

She tries my patience daily and is not afraid of anything…especially of getting into trouble. It does NOT phase her!

You would think this is a child that doesn’t get disciplined,punished or taught but believe me people she is.

She can be as sweet as sugar but has an attitude bigger then her britches.  Do NOT let her sweetness fool you!

 For example…recently, a show on TV had a bride about ready to get married and I said to her, “When you get older maybe you will get married like that.” To which she loudly and sweetly announced “When I get big I’m going to marry you Mommy!” After explaining to her that people don’t marry their mommy’s, she stomped off to her room and proceeded to scream angry words directed at me, at the top of her lungs. Saying things like, “I don’t want to marry mommy ANYMORE!” A few minutes later she comes back out to me, to sweetly give me kisses and hugs and tells me she loves me. While she walks away, she quietly say’s, “I am too going to marry you mommy.”

What would I do without this little girl that has added to my gray hairs?

Little man has grown up and come through so many of his past behavior issues. He is presently in this wonderful stage of being quite pleasant, polite, cooperative, easy to get along with and very sweet. Now don’t get me wrong, he has always been sweet to me, but he has become especially sweet. And yes, he still has his days. :)

An example of this sweetness…that conversation with little lady about marrying me…little man was sitting with me too and right after little lady had announced her intentions of marrying me, he announced his intentions of marrying me too. After I explained about not marrying your mommy and little lady had stomped off, he continued to address this subject. I told him that when he gets older he will meet someone very special, that he will adore more than anyone else in the world. To which he replied, “ But you are very special and I adore you more than anyone in the whole world!”

Later, they told Daddy of their intentions of marrying me and he asked them, “What about me?” To which, little man said, “Well you can come to the wedding.”

He finished preschool, which he loved and every one of the teachers fell in love with him too.

At the end of May he turned 5…

 

…and we had a pirate party. Aren’t these 3 of the cutest pirates you’ve ever seen?

He still never stops talking and asking questions. I really don’t think I’ve ever met a 5 year quite like him. He  loves to help outside and in the kitchen. I cannot imagine my life without this sweet little boy.

 

These little people really are amazing. They have added to my already amazing children and grandchildren.

5 children + 2 “grand” children + 2 grandchildren =10 amazing people that toss & turn my heart.

Each of them have kept me grounded. They have reminded me time and time again of what is most important in this life.

They are my teachers.

They are my life interrupted.

Wherever this ride is taking me, I am absolutely sure it will be right where I’m suppose to be.

Until next time, love & hugs, Lori

Alive & Kicking

Hello, is anyone still here?

I am still alive & kicking. 

No, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. No, I haven’t forgotten about any of you. No, my love for writing hasn’t stopped. No, I haven’t given up.

Instead I have been kicking, scratching, screaming and fighting like hell to get back up to the surface. I am starting to see the light of day and that’s a good thing.

The health problems of this past year have kicked my ass. Literally. This has been one shit sandwich that came served on a platter.

I started seeing this wonderful naturopathic doctor who thought I needed to see a medical doctor for issues that went beyond what he could help me with.

Thankfully I found this wonderful medical doctor right out my back door…a country doctor that doesn’t charge an arm & a leg for her services AND she spends a good amount of time with her patients AND she is great at what she does AND she also believes in natural remedies AND she still makes house calls! Amazing!

Many tests and trial’s and error’s later, I have been getting some answers.

The two of them have been working to get me well. I feel blessed to have found both of them even though I haven’t always liked what they have to say. Such as…

*No exercising until I am much better.

*No dieting. In fact I’m suppose to be eating more fat! Hard to do when all I want to do is lose this weight.

*Cutting work hours…that’s hard to do when you need a paycheck.

*Rest as much as possible…with the little’s around? In fact, I’m suppose to be a couch potato…ugh.

*Take my medicines…even if they taste nasty.

*Cry…to start feeling and letting out my emotions…this has been the hardest to follow.

I am still not totally well…in fact the doctors tell me it will be some time yet. If things don’t improve I will have to have my thyroid removed. I started a new medicine for it and now it’s been doubled so all fingers are crossed that this will be the trick.

I’m sick of being exhausted and feeling like I have the flu every single day. I am sad I had to cancel our trip to Florida this month, for my granddaughters graduation to middle school. I am sad that so much of life has passed me by during this time of hardly being able to hold up my head.

BUT…I am thankful to be alive and still kicking. Even though my house has nearly crumbled around me from lack of getting cleaned regularly, it is the least of my worries at this point. I am just thankful in the here and now to have what I have and to have this opportunity to write.

In my efforts to claw my way back up to the top, I have come to realize the value of having one’s health and to be my own advocate in seeking out answers.

On the bright side, I have at least stopped gaining weight. I was eating very healthy and well under 1500 calories and exercising over an hour a day and still gaining weight. Ugh! In less then a year I gained at least 40 pounds people…I doubled in my size of clothes! How is this possible? It feels like I am stuck inside someone else’s body.

I never realized how vain I am until now.  But, that is a post for another day.

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say but not sure how to say them. Losing my voice has left me  disconnected from all of you and my soul has yearned to connect time and time again. God willing there will be another day to write more.

I never really realized how  much I benefited from your words until I no longer had the energy to even read. If I have not been by your place to visit  today, God willing I will be by soon.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about me and for taking the time to stop and let me know you care. Thank you for not forgetting about me and truly being my friend.

Very soon, I will update you about the little’s!

Love & Hugs, Lori

 

Update

Greetings from Brittany at Unexpected Surprises....

My mom asked me to do a guest post for her. Sitting and blogging is too much for her right now. Although she has started many posts, it has been hard for her to finish them. This is killing my mom. She loves reading your posts, and interacting with you. You are her window to the outside world. You are the people that understand her situation the most. I want you all to know that she cares about all of you so much, and misses your encouraging comments and support.

When I saw my mom at the airport, she looked normal. In fact it wasn't until I looked at the details of her life that I realized how sick she was. It was in the un-dusted shelves, and spots on the windows.It was in the tone of her voice. It was in the weight gain. It was the look in her eyes, and the lack of energy.  It was the utter look of helplessness she gave me at times.

My mom is seeing several doctors at the moment. She is going in next Thursday to see a new doctor, and to have some tests done. She is looking forward to getting more information, and hopefully it is one step closer to her becoming healthy! *fingers crossed*

It is hard to watch her in pain, but it was harder to be halfway across the country not knowing what was going on. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be here with my mom and to be able to encourage her, and take care of her. I know that God is going to take care of her, and make her stronger because of this. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that she is in his hands. Big thank yous to all of you who have written my mom to encourage her, to all of you who have prayed, and for all of you that have inspired her. She'll be back soon, until then keep her in your prayers!

Failing

…forgetful, fake, foolish, freak and “f” upped…are among the words to describe me and how I am feeling.

Before I get into that, I must say thank you…thank you…thank you…for your hugs, love and encouragement. I am sorry I haven’t commented on your posts lately. I try to read but it’s difficult. I hope you know how much your thoughts, prayers and love have meant to me. XX

While the flu like symptoms of withdrawal are better, the others are not.

I am not myself. And I surely don’t like who I am right now.

Every day I stare at the computer screen and will my fingers to move.To just write. Anything. But, my mind isn’t working. It’s like I am losing my voice.

Or at least a voice that makes sense.

Just writing this will be difficult.

Everything I read, I have to reread over and over again. I get these brain zaps that make me lose my thoughts.

I still feel exhausted.

My head/mind is just really messed up. I am feeling things I haven’t felt in a really long time and I don’t know why.

I am sad but I don’t have the words to tell you why.

I do try to put into words what I am feeling but it feels like I am making no sense.

I will hear myself talking really really fast and I want to scream “just shut the fuck up!”

I am crying on the inside almost always. Sometimes real tears come and I’m afraid I won’t stop.

I am scared of hurting the feelings of those around me…of saying the wrong things.

I am angry at myself. Why do I so easily beat the crap out of myself???

I don’t leave my house except to work and even in that I know I’m falling very short.

I would like it if I never had to leave the safety of home.

I don’t really have a desire to be around anyone because it just feels like so much work. This isn’t like me, because I love people.

And yet I’m lonely. So really, I don’t make sense do I?

I go through the motions of living the best I can…cooking, cleaning, laundry, caring for the little’s and going to work…and like everything is okay…it feels like I am not keeping up…it feels so fake.

I can pretend all is well within for so long before it feels like I am going to lose it.

I find myself getting irritated, impatient and intolerant of people. This is not like me.

I feel like freaking the hell out over the stupidest things. This is not like me. 

Listening to other people talk or noise period makes me tired and causes my head to almost spin at times. This is not like me because I love listening to people.

I am having difficulty focusing, concentrating, with being forgetful…I am forgetting really important things, like appointments, being able to form my thoughts into sentences, just being able to think…I think you get the picture.

I worry that everyone is angry with me…disappointed in me…like I am letting everyone down or doing something wrong. I am constantly reminding myself that it most likely just me.

A lot of the time, I just want everything to come to a stop…today we are snowed in so I am getting a moment to stop some of the busyness. 

I am told all of these things I am experiencing are normal but it doesn’t feel normal.

I did see a different doctor and he has me taking some different things. I will see him again soon. Besides the affects of taking Cymbalta, I have health issues caused by long term stress.

If anything good has come out of this, it would be the lesson of taking control of my health…researching and questioning things before I take them and not putting anything into my body that in the long term will not be good.

My sister came this past weekend and we talked about some things from the past…some really painful things that I think needed to be talked about…talking with her made me feel a little less alone about how I feel about our growing up years.

If I’m really honest with you then I will admit to you that all of this weight gain has really hit me like a ton of bricks and I am having a really hard time with it. That it’s been a really big slap to my self esteem. So what does this really say about me? That really deep down I’m a vain person? That it’s easier to focus on this issue then on others?

So yes, I am a big fat mess.

And because of this, my youngest daughter, feels like she needs to move home for awhile. She was already planning on moving back to the Midwest eventually but not this soon. I never asked her to come. I would never do that to my children. In fact I’ve tried not to tell them. Yet, she and my grandson will be here next week sometime…and I cry because it shouldn’t be this way…and yet I cry because a part of me is so happy that they will be here and that feels so selfish.

This feels like failure.

I almost feel foolish telling you these secrets of me.

Still, I am doing what I can right now…eating healthy, exercising, taking all the things the doctor gave me to take, trying to breathe slowly, trying to focus on positive things and thoughts…still, I fear that there is something wrong with me…still, the battle rages on and I hang on by every single thread. I just have to.