What Love Got To Do With It?

Love is a beautiful thing when it fill up your life. But, ask someone that doesn’t live with love in their life, and it’s very likely they would not describe it as beautiful. I am not talking about romantic or sensual love …I am talking about basic love but I do believe that other kinds of love are born from it. Love can be a strong emotion or feeling and it encompasses so much more than one word. Love, at it’s best, is unconditional and equals forgiveness, kindness, sacrifice, empathy, affirmation, understanding, commitment and caring. Love that is unconditional is affection with no limits or conditions. In a perfect world, this kind of love would fill it and there would be no room for hate.

Mother Theresa once said “The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than hunger for bread.” We all hunger for love. When babies are born, their need for love and the affection that comes along with it, is as great as their need for food. We are born with a need for love and it’s expression… human touch and contact. When those needs go unmet, we suffer. It is a proven fact that infant’s whom don’t get this hunger met, suffer and some even die. Love hungry babies that grow up without love and all that it equates, grow up to be love hungry adults. The hunger of this kind, doesn’t just go away…we remain empty.

Like the post I wrote in January, The Love Bucket, I believe that each one of us has a bucket inside of us. I believe that these buckets are our “base” or foundation from which we grow to know or form our value and worth as human beings. When our buckets are full, we have something to give to other’s and to ourselves. When our buckets are empty, we have nothing to give anyone, let alone ourselves. The French write Stendhal described it by saying “Love is a well from which we can drink only as much as we have put in.”

Some of us start out with our buckets getting filled up right from the beginning, and kept getting our buckets filled up along the way. Some of us, not so much. Some of us, grew up hungry for love, even though we might not have recognized our need, and have taken our journeys with empty buckets. Some of us, fall somewhere between these two. Regardless, it’s never too late to start filling up your love bucket. I know this, because it wasn’t too late for me and it changed my life.

So, in answer to the question, “What’s love got to do with it?”, I say “Everything. Love has got everything to do with it."

How full is your love bucket? What do you do to fill up your bucket?

This is my spin on love. Check out Sprite's Keeper for more love spin's.

Lookin for Love

On this journey, called life...

I spent a lot of time looking for love...

...often, in the wrong places,

and from the wrong kinds of people.

I thought I knew what love was and I went searching for it.

When I was "in young love", I saw the world through rose colored glasses. Life is beautiful when you are in love.



I listened to songs like, I Honestly Love You by Olivia Newton John, How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You by James Taylor and Open Arms by Journey.

...and thought I would always feel this way.





Until I got hurt...and got my heart broken a few times.

And then I thought...
...and listened to songs like, Love Stinks by the J. Geils Band, Love Hurts by Nazareth and Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac...

...until I found love once again.

I repeated this pattern, time and again, until I had enough. I gave up.
I laid it all down and started doing things to heal. I cried my heart out until I thought there were no more tears. I danced. I sang. I cried. I laughed. And I cried some more.

I spent time with myself. I was alone and happy. I stopped looking for someone to be with me. I figured out, what love really is. I stopped falling in love with other people, and started to love me.

And then, when I wasn't looking, in walked the love of my life...

and then I married him.

Every day that I get to be with him, is a gift.

I pray, we get to have many more years together.

Grow old with me. The best is yet to be.

Embracing Your Light

Recently, I was sent this excerpt, from a book, written by Marianne Williamson, which I found to be interesting, since I have made 2009 a year of facing my fears with courage. 2009 is my year of embracing courage.

Marianne Williamson writes in her book A Return to Love:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The truth of her words hit me between the eyes. Each time I read this, I realized how true these words are for me.

The truth is, when it comes down to it, I am most afraid to let my light shine. Even more, I’m afraid to see the light.

I am afraid to really love myself. I say, I love myself, but do I really?

I am afraid to look at myself and see the good. I fear that if I come to believe, that I am these good things, that people say I am, then what? It's not that I don't see any good in me, it's more that these good things seem to be over shadowed by the mistakes lurking in the corner.

Am I not the mistake, that I always believed I was? Am I not as bad, as I always thought myself to be? Could it be, that not all of it was true? That I have believed lies?

It has been quite easy for me to see my bad…my sins, my mistakes, my failures. It’s been even easier to believe them. Why is it so much easier to believe the bad about ourselves, then it is to believe the good? These things have defined me…at least I have let them define me. I have been on a life long self improvement course, always trying to make myself better…trying to fix what is broken. Maybe, it's time to kick some of these things to the curb?

Could it be, that all along, what I have feared most is truly believing, that I really might be a child of God? That I am good? Could it be, that I need to let go of the darkness and start embracing the light that is in me? I want to be liberated from my past “ideas” of me and start embracing who I really am now. With courage, I let go of what was and embrace what is.

“This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine!”

Do you see your light? Do you let it shine? How did you learn to do that?

Franklin

A monster has moved into our house. He is purple and on occasion, he has green spots. We found him, while looking for monsters under little man’s bed last week. Once we discovered that he was a friendly monster, we invited him to stay. We asked him what his name was and since he didn’t have one yet, we named him Franklin. Franklin likes his new name.


Franklin keeps all other monsters and “bad” guys, out of our house, because they are all afraid of him. He protects our house while we are gone and while we sleep at night.

At night, Franklin takes turn’s sleeping on the top bunk of little man’s bed and on the floor, next to little lady’s bed. We take turns letting Franklin sleep with one of our stuffed animals. Going to bed with a monster is so much fun. I have to kiss Franklin every night or he cries.


Franklin doesn’t let bad dreams into our house and if they do try to come in, he chases them out the window. We haven’t had any bad dreams since Franklin moved in.

In the mornings, he cuddles with us. Franklin loves to cuddle…and he loves watching Dora. Just great.


Franklin eats with us and he eats a lot. He eats food that we cannot see but he always makes a mess. Franklin wants to eat our food too, so we eat our food really fast so that he can’t get it. Sometimes, I forget that Franklin is sitting in my chair at the table and the little people laugh at me because I am sitting on Franklin’s lap. I kind of like sitting on Franklin’s lap.

Franklin is big. He doesn’t like to brush his hair but he loves to brush his teeth. Franklin loves taking baths because he loves bubbles. We have to tell Franklin to not eat the soap.


Franklin likes to jump on our beds. He also likes to hide from us, so we play hide and seek with him. Franklin loves to look at books with us, but his most favorite is when we make up stories for him.

Franklin loves music, just like us. He also likes to dance. His favorite song to dance to, is Twist and Shout by Little Richard. I danced to that song with Franklin last night and he said I was a good dancer.


I have asked Franklin if he could at least help with the laundry and some of the cleaning but the little people inform me, that Franklin is too busy for that kind of stuff…that he has important stuff to do. Hello?

It is amazing how much longer little people can play in their bedrooms, with their toys, when Franklin is playing with them. With Franklin helping, the toys get picked up so much faster.


Sometimes, Franklin gets a little wild and crazy, so I have to make him sit on the red stool, in time away. It’s a wonder, how a purple monster sitting on a stool, in time away, can get two little people to behave, in such a short time…it’s almost like magic.

We have so much fun with Franklin. Every day, we discover new things about him…like today, I learned that when Franklin is sad, he gets covered in green spots…the spots go away, when he is happy once again, which is usually really fast. I think we will be adopting Franklin.

Against All Odds

This week, as I begin a new chapter in my life, my heart is still full and mind overflowing with thoughts, as I close the latest chapter of my life. I was not prepared for all that came to me last week…all these beautiful moments, that are now wrapped up, like a gift, in my heart and mind. I want to close this chapter, by sharing a story with you, that really doesn’t have anything to do with me but has everything to do with this family that fought against all odds and won.

Early, last Thursday, after dropping my precious daughter and grandson off at the airport, I drove the 2 ½ hours back home, in tears and silence. As I hurried to get the two little people ready for us to leave for school, I regretted not taking the day off, as I had a hard time getting my emotions under control. Yet, I knew I needed to be there, to hold some of my babies for the last time…I knew there were some things that I needed to finish.

As I sat rocking two of my babies and talking with the young girl that I mentor and one of the mom’s, I knew I was where I was suppose to be. A big part of what I did every day, at this job, was loving and listening…and these two young women needed my love and for me to listen on this day.
After they left for class, I thought about all the loving and listening that had gone on in that room over the past 5 years. If these walls could talk, the stories they would tell.

I silently prayed for all of them…for each one that had walked into my room and into my heart. I thought about those that would be considered success stories and those that some would be considered failures…some I still keep in contact with…some I have lost. I remembered and I thanked God for how he let me use my own life experiences to reach out and for all that they had taught me.

A short time later, while feeding all the little ones lunch, my door opened and in walked a family that I hadn’t seen in a year. In ran a 5 year old little girl, that I had taken care of, in previous years…she ran right into my arms, while screaming, “Grandma Lori, I came for you! I love you Grandma Lori!” She went on to say, “Grandma, you stopped being in my dreams, so I told my mom and my sister that I needed to see you so that you would be in my dreams again. You’re my only grandma and I don’t want you to die and I need you to always love me.” She touched my face over and over and said “Your face is still the same. I’m so glad that you’re my same grandma.” On and on she went…and my heart was so over taken with joy in seeing her and hearing her little voice as she cast upon me these words full of love. She hugged me and wouldn’t let go. Her 9 year old sister, soon joined us in our hug.

When I was able to pry them off, so that I could say hello to their sister (who was a former student), and to the mom (of the 3 of them), I realized that both of them were crying. After hugging them, I took a step back and it was then that I could see the noticeable, visible changes of their mother.

You see, just over 3 years ago, this mother, was a Meth addict and her daughter, who was 17 years old at the time, came to me for help, through a girl that I was mentoring at the time. She hadn’t been in a school for a year because she was at home raising her 2 sisters because of her mother’s drug problems. In order to bring a child to the school, you have to be the child’s parent and so since she was not “the parent” she was told she couldn’t bring her sister’s with her to school. After making sure she was serious about coming to school and graduating, I went to the director of our school and asked them to make an allowance. Basically, I begged the director and the teachers to let me watch this girls little sister’s so that she could graduate.

The following day, the 17 year old girl started school and in walked this little girl, that was not quite 2 years old. The next day, the other little girl, not quite 6 years old, came along too, since she went to kindergarten every other day. I don’t know if I really knew what I had gotten myself into but I sure had opened a can of worms by inviting this family into our school. Their home life was a complete mess…they came dirty and hungry…not just for food but love and attention as well. They didn’t know how to listen…they lived in chaos so didn’t get the sleep they needed at night.

At the end of the week, I sat the 17 year old girl down and talked to her about all these things. I had to say a lot of hard things to her… that these little girls were going to get taken away or the mom would have to move out and changes made in the home. The bottom line was that they could NOT continue living like this and she needed to decide if she were up for the challenges to come. The school backed me up on this and we told her that she had until the following Monday to let us know.

On Monday, the 3 of them came to school and shortly after, so did this mother. If you have ever looked at the ugliness of drug addiction in the face, then you know that this mother was a sight. The horror of what Meth was doing to her, stood staring me in the face and it was damn angry. She demanded that I leave her family alone. Little did she know who she was talking to…a Mother Bear that has walked in the ugly shoes of drug addiction…it did not take long for her to realize that she was not going to win. She stood there and made her daughters choose…her or me…they were scared but they choose to not go with her. That day, she walked out and disappeared for many months.

We were able to help them get their home cleaned up and got them help. Because this girl was almost 18, social services, allowed her to keep her little sisters. They have no other family. There is no grandma or grandpa…they started calling me grandma Lori almost immediately. This girl is remarkable. She was eager to learn how to care for her sisters and caught on quickly. The home economics(I know it’s not called this anymore!) teacher worked extra with her, in teaching her cooking and laundry skills. When new challenges came we faced them. It didn’t take long for these 3 girls to be wrapped around my heart.

Through out this time, I talked with the older girl about addiction and what she can do when and if their mom came back. The mom did come in and out of their lives but she didn’t interfere with their progress. She stopped by to see them at our school occasionally and each time I told her that it was never too late to get help. One of the times, she asked me why I was still nice to her after all she had done. I told her that I could see through her addiction and that underneath it all was a person that deserved love and forgiveness. I said something about being able to look in the mirror someday and see the truth of what addiction looks like and that it doesn’t have to be this way. She literally got down on her hands and knees and looked in the mirror, that I had hanging low to the ground for the babies. When she got up, she stood in front of me and said “I am going to die.” and walked out. Honestly, I knew that if she didn’t get help soon, she would and there was nothing any of us could do about it.

A short time later, this woman went away to a drug treatment center that specialized in Meth addiction. I seen when she got out of treatment and was going into a half ways house. Even though she was finally drug free, the affect of the Meth on her face and teeth was horrendous. This is the last time I seen her. Even though she was drug free, the true test would be when she got out of the half ways house. I doubted.

During this time, her daughter graduated from high school, and our school gave her a paid scholarship for the nurses aid training class. She then got a job working as a nurses aid and still had that same job the last time I saw them, which was about a year ago. We lost touch because of work schedules and she no longer had the same phone number.

So, here stood this completely drug free, woman, with new teeth and a face that doesn’t look the same, in front of me, crying and trying to speak. I hugged her and told her that she didn’t need to say anything. But, she did…she thanked me with such beautiful words…but her real thanks came in taking back her life, in getting her children back and being the mother that her daughters need her to be. With hard work and against all odds, she did it. She is doing it. They did it. The young woman said very sweet things to me too and to hear that she is still working the same job and thinking about going through the nursing program was music to my ears. My heart could hardly contain the joy, as I hugged them all, in one great big group hug, before they left.

Never, in a million years, did I think that I would be standing in a group hug, with this family, that had been torn up by the ravages of drug addiction, just a couple of years ago. Later, this same day, I had a reunion with the young mom, that I wrote of recently. She is doing well and looked great! She works as a nurses aid and is no longer a stripper. She has remarried, to what sounds like, a wonderful man(that has a steady job) and they have a baby boy. They live in a small town close by and she is going to finish up her school work and get her adult diploma, at our school. It is such a gift to me, to know all of this...to know that she made it, is a blessing because I never dreamed that I would be witness to this success.

Good things do happen…we don’t always know it or see it…we don’t always believe in it…but, it does happen. This is just one, of the many stories, I could tell you from my last days…of people that I will never forget.

Interpretations

A little girl was asked by her teacher, to draw a picture of what she wanted to be, when she grew up. This is what she drew...

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:



Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me.... selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington

Our interpretations of what we see, aren't always right!

Smiles!

Kicking My Ass

In living a life with pain, some days are worse then others. I have learned how to adjust my life and the things I do to either prevent it from escalating to a higher level or to just plain cope. On the days and nights, that the pain kicks my ass, I try to just wait it out until it lessens. I feel like giving up and to be quite honest, there are times that I just want to put a gun to my head…to just make the pain STOP. Everything becomes harder and going to work is a struggle, let alone getting anything done around the house. Life goes on because of the little people and their busyness and noise make my head swim. It’s hard to do anything, let alone sleep. I tend to feel more fearful and vulnerable during these times…and then I feel guilty because my husband has to do so much more around here, which he is happy to do and doesn’t do anything to make me feel guilty. I do that all on my own.

High pain brings out the nightmares and the nightmares make me tighten up even more, thus more pain. I have nightmares about being attacked and it brings to the surface all the fears I have regarding the attack. It’s ugly and I literally hate being reminded of what happened. I work hard at forgetting and leaving it in the past, where it belongs. There is no good to remembering something that I cannot change. These memories like to come out to play while I sleep and it’s this that I battle. It’s a vicious ugly cycle and my life is spent trying to prevent these cycles. Stress does make things worse, and lately, with the stress being high, the pain has been kicking my ass. Finally, today the pain has let up somewhat. I still feel wiped out…completely drained but I can now think more clearly.

My doctor wants me to consider getting Botox injections into my neck. I am seriously considering it and have started reading up about it, since I want to know if there are any long term side affects before I agree to it. Tomorrow, I will start going into a heated therapeutic pool to exercise with the woman I am going to be assisting. A physical therapist will also put together an exercise program for me to do in the workout facility, which I am also looking forward to. My doctor has recommended this therapy and exercise for me and since I will be taking my client every day anyways, I will now get to do this. I am really hoping and praying that this will help me.

I am going to be a personal care attendant for a woman that is also a friend of mine. She is in her early 50’s and has severe arthritis all over her body. She lives with severe pain, that I am sure mine doesn’t even come close to, but regardless, I do understand pain and she knows this. I basically will be her companion to help with housekeeping, cooking, taking her to the therapeutic pool and exercise facility and anything else that she would like to do…like to the movies or shopping. I will be getting paid to spend time with a wonderful, gracious and loving woman.

I will not have to do any lifting which is a relief from lifting all the babies in the nursery every day. The doctor thinks that lifting the babies has been hard on my neck and has hopes that once I am not doing that anymore(other than my own occasionally) that my pain levels will start to come down. I have already told the woman that runs the company, that when I am ready to take another client, that I would like one that wouldn’t require heavy lifting and that was not a problem.

I found a great woman, that has a small home daycare, to take care of the little people and they loved it when we visited there last week. Although it was hard leaving my job at the school, I know that these new changes will be good for all of us. I will write in the near future about my last days at the school…my heart is still overflowing from it all. Yes, I did meet with that young woman and her children, that I wrote about recently, and I will tell you all about that as well.

Tomorrow begins a new chapter, in all of our lives, but I think we are ready for it. I am excited to see how it all plays out and the people I will meet along the way. Life...it's a journey...sometimes it's a rollercoaster ride that I don't want to be on...whatever it is, I'm along for the ride.